In fact, in this case, its insipid tendrils wound their way around my soul for many moons before I realised I was in darkness, slowly sucking light away, robbing me of life-force, making me face and see the shadows that exist around the other side of the Sun. And see only those. All I see is darkness.
I am shadow-walking.
I am pouring out tears. Tears that I cannot rightfully explain…. for I think I have greater strength than this? I know in my Spirit that I am loved and that my love is felt. I know this from some higher place. But I don’t feel it to be true at this moment. And feeling is all. I have guided others through shadow enough, I have made peace with shadow enough that I know the safest, quickest and truest way forward is feeling all of this to the depths. Without indulgence and unnecessary suffering, but by feeling it truly, without denial. Without suppression. Without distraction.
Some experiences are spiritual, some experiences are mental and others are physical, but all of them are emotional. This is our language as humans. I know the power that I am and the purpose that I walk here on Earth. But more than that, I know the importance of Honesty, of being real with where we are at, of letting things drop where they drop. And yes, they have dropped, and I am on my knees.
I weep for loneliness. I weep for the human race. I weep for what feels like a desperate scratch through a dry, desert landscape for integrity. Where has it all gone? Granted, this is a powerful time on our planet where the forces of light and dark are really at near-equal strengths. I am sure that I am going along with a collective tidal wave here. I am not alone. I am aware of that, at least. But I am an individual, also.
But when someone calls on the telephone, I cry.
When someone asks me how I am, my silent answer is ‘you won’t understand’, as I truly don’t feel they would.
When a friend tells me we must, like moths, seek out the light in any way possible, I silently answer that I don’t want to. I can’t see it. I don’t relate.
I am aware that there is a disconnect between me and the outer world with which I normally communicate with and feel so well.
But I embrace this. When we have been hurt or disappointed by those we love, we can all too easily jump over into ‘forgiving’ and into ‘compassion’ without really allowing ourselves the reverence and the respect to stand in a space where we commit to boundaries and to tough love. I see this on a planetary scale with the atrocities occurring to indigenous, to environment, to our rights. We so easily jump over the ‘NO’ period into ‘ITS ALL DIVINE’, mostly out of a discomfort for having things out of alignment. So we opt for pseudo-alignment.
I have taken on too much. Too much of people’s stuff. Too much of their stories and made it all ‘OK’. Too many betrayals. Too many deceptions. Too many shoulder shrugs and too much dusting myself off and getting on. And now it’s hit me hard. Burnt out with relating. Burnt out with people.
When I complete feeling this shadow to its depths, the darkness and loss of hope in humanity, I know I will rise like a Phoenix, my love for people and planet much stronger than ever. I know it and I trust.
If there is anyone out there feeling like I do, I’m here. I’m not able to be with you but I want you to know that I am over here, doing the same work. Honour your shadow-walk and do it with power. Embrace it. We are not victims, we have created this to learn more. To love more. To put in greater boundaries and honour ourselves and honour true love.
Sometimes talk of goodness and love and our essence really doesn’t resonate and only makes those in darkness feel more alone, like it does with me currently.
I’m revolted by those that cannot read this. I’m revolted by those that cannot accept shadow-walking and want to fix it, to suppress it, to make me wrong for this. The pseudo ‘awakened’ healers, the robotic masses frightened of feeling on any level. A middle finger to you lot. In fact, have TWO.
If I could count the people I’ve held these last years as they’ve traversed through their valleys…. and I’m glad I’ve done this work. Now it’s time to hold myself through, as I don’t believe anyone else can.
And it’s lonely. These inner worlds.
These deaths of Self. These bat wings that beat at my heart.